Today, a steadfast bastion of the Final Fantasy realm is pilloried, tarred, feathered and mocked by the merry mocking mockster of mock that I am. We speak of summon monsters, Eidolons, Guardian Forces, or any other lofty moniker these abominations have been granted over the prolific past of the series.
These formidable entities include the quintessential firey stylings of Ifrit, a large Minotaur-esque gentleman (clad only in minute underpants that bulge disconcertingly and make us fervently wish to punch our own eyes in the face), Shiva the ice spirit, and Odin, God of stabbing crotches with humongous swords (and closet collector of My Little Pony dolls. Oh, the egregious harm that revelation would cause his masculine image! Were it not, naturellement, an outrageous falsehood).
The primary utility of these celestial beings is to aid your party in battle. They are summoned, discharge a mass-ravaging attack of their element du jour, and sidle off again in a clandestine manner, leaving your opponents languishing in a blood-bleeding eviscerated mess (and, presumably, expansive urine puddle) on the pavement. They are also acclaimed for giving the White Mages of the cosmos some form of offensive ability. Bereft of these guys, the mages? piteous staff-flailing is about as physically imposing as a puppy with no legs.
Why, prithee, do they do so? These quasi-deities are largely content to watch our impotent, feeble mortal flesh-bag protagonists battle alone. They lounge in the opulence of Mount Eidolon, fed grapes by dusky maidens. Sixty-foot-tall ones too, I?d wager. One can envisage Ifrit up there in his tiny wrestler Y-fronts, Shiva clad in that raunch-tastic ice bikini of hers, pointing and laughing:
?Lo! Those paltry humans are attempting to murderize a really rather large dragon! Shall we alight to their aid with all due haste, like the almighty Gods we are??
?Nuts to that. I?m watching the game, whilst intermittently scratching my ass.?
?For shame, Ifrit! For shame! Fie upon you!?
?Very well. If you insist, I shall propel an ACTUAL MASSIVE METEORITE -which is on fire, mark you, I feel I must stress that fact- into that horrific beast?s delicate facial region.?
Able to convene such forces on a mere whim, why does the party so frequently resort to poking their foes with daggers and suchlike? It?s akin to jabbing a rhino in the posterior with a toothpick. Most pertinently, though, why can?t Eidolons serve as the harbingers of glory and hope for the planet, in lieu of meagre manfolk?
Won?t somebody think of the children?
Source: http://www.gamingsurvival.com/2012/10/14/dont-eidolons-have-anything-better-to-do/
9/11 apple apple Jerry Lawler godaddy monday night football monday night football
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