Last month, I shared some thoughts from women who participated in my recent survey. I asked them what they like about men, and what they find frustrating. (You can find that post here.) The survey is part of my 2014 book, The Woman?s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment, and the Male Mind.?I'm posting a few of the responses as a great big thank-you to all who have generously participated.
This month, it?s the men?s turn. To my own surprise, a great number of men have responded to the survey. Most had good things to say, a few were critical, and some were just plain confused. As one man put it, ?I understand everything about women, except all those weird things they do.?
Confused or not, it seems that men like women. A lot.
First, the Complaints
Before we discuss what?s great about women, here are some male frustrations. One of the most common complaints I hear from men, both in the survey and in the clinic, is the fear that no argument can end positively. They fear they are destined to lose, and that women never forgive.
?I get a lot of grief for not communicating better, even though I have good intentions. Men are always told we need to communicate better. What do women need to do better? Nothing, it seems. Always, the fault seems to be mine. Can a woman lift as much weight as a man? In general no, and who expects her to? A man would be a jerk for suggesting that she should. Why then are we men constantly expected to communicate the same way women do? There are inherent differences between men and women.?
?When we [men] argue, we?re arguing about that particular conflict; you?re arguing about that conflict plus past conflicts.?
?We don?t expect our women to be perfect, but they seem to expect that from us. We?re not perfect. Neither are they.?
?They don?t forget anything. The old mistakes, purchases that didn?t work out, the thing said in anger.? You can never take them back, even if you wish you hadn?t said them, and they always bring it back up in an argument. They will not accept an apology and forget it.?
?We think you expect us to be perfect when you remember our past mistakes but forget our successes.?
?It seems like I can knock myself out doing repairs, cutting firewood, working on the cars, even housework(!) but somehow, there?s an issue with what I HAVEN?T done. That really makes me retreat. I don?t need to discuss everything and explain what I was thinking at any given moment!?
?I guess, in the end, men just want to remove the guesswork. We just want to know that there IS a right answer.?
Another common frustration: the different approaches men and women take toward fixing problems.
?Women seem to focus more on the problem rather than the solution.?
?I think guys would be more inclined to be more communicative if women would be more agreeable to get to the point and fix the problem, rather than avoid it and focus on the symptoms.?
?Women don?t like to fix problems; rather, ?venting? about it is often enough. This, of course, just means that the problem comes back later and we go through the cycle all over again.?
?Why is venting enough to calm you down? It?s frustrating when I vent and realize I?ve not accomplished anything to fix the problem.?
One of the most common frustrations that women expressed was about male silence. Here?s what men had to say in defense of silence and stoicism:
?Being quiet is a way to process, much in the same way that women need to talk to process?
?She should understand there are times were I just want to sit calm, think about it, and remain silent, at least for a couple of minutes. Or she should at least understand that she?s simply better than me at arguing.?
?When I talk, it is to convey information and thoughts or ask for your opinion. Just chattering away about random details makes it really hard to figure out what, if anything, I am expected to do. I realize that sometimes there is no action item for me in their 50 stage loosely related detailed report, but most of the time there is something they want me to do at step 37 of 50 and I can miss it due to low signal to noise ratio. I wish I could tell my wife how hard it is to follow her train of seemingly unrelated thoughts sometimes.?
?Because men relate by doing things together, we rely more on nonverbal communication.?
?If we are being silent it?s because we either (a) don?t want to hurt your feelings with the truth, (b) trying to word our reply just right so we don?t hurt your feelings even more or (c) don?t know what else to say to comfort you because you?ve already said it all!"?
Bad Boys and Good Men
One of the things that confounds men is women?s attraction to ?bad boys.? Men who regard themselves as communicative, humble, and reliable find it baffling when women choose disrespectful men.
?Why do you date men who treat you poorly and miss out on the good ones? We have to compete with the bad ones. Women need to look beyond urges or first impressions.?
?I wish we understood what it is women want in a man. I have learned that though you say you want a nice, emotional guy, those aren?t the guys that attract you.?
?Honest guys don?t try to portray themselves as perfect, but there are definitely plenty of guys that will put on that mask so they can ?bag? a girl and then leave her when he?s done. Ironically, they get most of the women... then women complain ?You just can?t trust guys. All they ever want to do is sleep with you, and they will say or do anything to accomplish that goal.? I?m sure she was warned about this guy from SOMEONE and she used the typical excuse: ?No! He?s not like that at all. With me it?s different!.??
?I happen to be rather good at communicating what I feel and need, and notice that a lot of women find this unattractive.?
?We are so basic, so easy to keep happy. I think in a way this frustrates women. I think many women want us to meet them on the more emotional plane but that contradicts what may have originally attracted them to us in the beginning. They want the strong, silent type or the bad boy but once the relationship is up and running then they want us to be more sensitive or open to talking about more things. Unfortunately, I don?t really think you can have it both ways.?
?Women will never truly understand that they are the reason there are poor quality men in the world. If women stopped befriending and forgiving misogynists, the world would be better off.?
?I think women have a hard time understanding what kind of guy is good for them. They often choose men who (as other men already see) are bad for them, then bitch after they get dumped. They like confident men. Well, men are rarely super confident around women they care about. They are however confident around women they don?t care about. Why? Because they don?t care whether the woman likes them or not and are freely themselves. This attracts women to men who don?t like them much. Guys can see this a million miles away. Women have a hard time figuring this out.??
Let?s leave it there for now, and next time I?ll let you know what men had to say about making women happy, keeping a peaceful relationship, and a few of the many things that men like most about women. (If you don?t want to wait, the whole thing is here.)
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Dr. Smith?is a psychologist in Denver, Colorado and the author of The User?s Guide to the Human Mind: Why Our Brains Make Us Unhappy, Anxious, and Neurotic and What We Can Do about It. Be sure to follow Shawn on Facebook for his latest rants and ramblings.?
Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ironshrink/201211/what-men-love-about-women-part-1
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